No fuss potty training?

If you clicked on this post in hopes of finding an easy no fuss solution to potty training, you misunderstood the title. 

I phrased it as a question because I have no idea what I'm doing!

My son Blake (a.k.a. B), now two and a half, is still romping around happily with a diaper clad bum. I'm starting to notice some odd looks from strangers when I take him into a public restroom for a diaper change. I find myself analyzing the children on the "Pull-Ups" commercials and trying to guess their age. It's obvious that we are running a little behind on the potty training game.

We purchased a potty a few months back. It's one of the ones that plays a song when it senses "moisture" and lights up when you flush it. It's still sitting upstairs, unused in the boys bathroom. Other than being "flushed" a bazillion times, it is completely pristine. To be honest, I'm the one that is pumping the brakes. Why? It's definitely NOT because I like changing dirty diapers, or spending hundreds of dollars a year on diapers, wipes, diaper pail refills and all the etcetera. 

It's because I have no idea what I'm doing. 

Ask me to house train a dog, sure no problem. Litter box train a cat? Easy as pie. I grew up with animals and know the steps to get from point A to point no more poop on the floor. Kids are way different and there are sooooo many emotions involved. A dog, for instance, is not going to cry if he pees in his new
 batman underwear.

The day we brought the potty home, I set it on the floor, bent down and said to B, "Okay buddy, this is where you are going to go potty from now on. So, instead of pooping or peeing in your diaper, you can go in the potty...okay?". The scowl on his face wasn't encouraging. I figured I would let him test it out, so I took off his diaper and set him on the potty. 

Big smile, "I going POTTY!"

Me *nods and encouraging smile*

2 minutes go by....

"Are you done yet buddy?"

"Mmmmm....no...."

2 more minutes go by....

"Blake?"

At this time he stands up and waddles out of the bathroom bare-butted with his Pull-up around his ankles. I look down; Nothing. I sigh and follow B to pull up his pants. I no sooner get them back on and smell something funky. "Blake.....did you just... are you dirty???" The telltale smile said it all. 

I started perusing Pinterest in search of ideas to help us along. I clicked on a link that said, "Potty Train your Child in THREE DAYS!!!!" What, what what?? I eagerly clicked on the link. The basic idea was that you corral your child into a manageable space, strip them naked and present them with a potty.  Every time they have an "accident" you place them on the potty. Red flag right there; if they aren't wearing a diaper, where exactly does the said "accident" go?? Oh no, no, not the floor!! You better plan on hiring a HAZMAT crew if my kid is going to poop on the floor. I don't think so, next option...

Ah here we go, simply place your child on the potty in fifteen minute intervals. Every fifteen minutes??? I'm lucky If I remember to eat lunch during the day let alone put my kid on the potty four times an hour! I have a job, another toddler, and a household to take care of woman!

Feeling discouraged, I sat him down in front of "Elmo Potty Time" on Youtube. I consider loading up the Amazon cart with super hero under-roos, potty champ stickers, plastic sheets, and potty basket prizes. Then I realize that until he makes at least one deposit in the potty bank, they will just go to waste.

I try and remind myself that I don't know any six year olds that aren't potty trained and then I start to cry because that's four years from now. I love my little boy, poopy booty and all, but I know this is a necessary step in his development and I can't help but feel a little bit like a failure. I hear moms with 13 months old brag about how they just got their baby out of diapers by using some sort of potty training boot camp method. I've heard of other kids that refuse to even sit on a potty until they are four. I know he will be ready eventually and if there is anything that I have learned in my two and a half years experience parenting is that he will do it when HE is ready. I'm not going to be pushy, but I want to encourage. It may take significantly longer than three days, but I know we will get there.